Time Stands Still
by Brandy Leigh
Summary: 'Will I now, after all these years, finally admit to him what I feel? Can I, or is it too late for us...?'
1. Part 1

Title: Time Stands Still  
Author: Brandy Leigh  
Disclaimer: John Doggett and Monica Reyes don't belong to me, they belong to   
Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox Networks. I'm not making any money off   
of this, so don't sue me!  
Feedback: DUH! Gimme! brandyb@exis.net  
Archive: Gossamer, yes. Anyone else, please ask first!  
Keywords: Doggett/Reyes romance, MSR mentioned; post episode  
Rating: PG-13 for language  
Spoilers: Empedocles, NIHT, 4-D  
Summary: 'Will I now, after all these years, finally admit to him what I feel?   
Can I, or is it too late for us...?'  
Authors notes: I tried this story out on atxc, The Vision and XMU and got a wonderful response. I therefore decided to share it with the folks of fanfiction.net, and I hope that it does well here also!  
  
  
  
  
Time Stands Still (1/?)  
by: Brandy Leigh  
  
  
~*~  
  
Things have never really been easy for John, even before the death of his son.   
He and his wife never really got along, not that they showed it. They put on a   
facade for the whole world, but I saw through it. I saw through to John's   
pain...  
  
I was one of the few people that could understand John Doggett. There was a   
barrier around his soul and he was determined to never let anyone in. Somehow   
though, I managed to work my way down into his very being. He'd never even   
have to tell me what was wrong, I could always see it in his eyes.  
  
That was one of the things that was special about my relationship with John.   
We were more than friends... Never lovers, but sometimes I think he might have   
wished it. I know the thought crosses my mind every now and then, even more so   
now that we're working together on the X-Files.  
  
I see John everyday, and everyday I wish I could just hold him and make all of   
his pain go away. He's never gotten over losing Luke, and frankly neither have   
I. I almost felt as if I was his own mother, or atleast someone close. When we   
came upon his body in that field... I knew it was going to break the both of   
us.  
  
We've always been each other's strong point, even before his wife left him. We   
grew closer over the years, and my feelings for him have grown. And now that I   
almost lost him to the madness of this world, I fear for what may come of us.   
Will I now, after all these years, finally admit to him what I feel? Can I, or   
is it too late for us...?  
  
I can only wait.  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
Monica... Why do my thoughts keep drifting back to her? It's like there's a   
string in my mind, and everytime I start to think of something else it pulls   
me back to the image of her face. Her black hair frames her jaw perfectly,   
flowing in the wind as it whips up behind her...  
  
I sigh.  
  
Too many emotions and confusing thoughts for this lonely FBI agent to deal   
with. Every since she's been back I don't know what to do with myself. I   
thought if I left everything would become clear, but it seems that life was   
twice as hard without her in it. But, now that I have her back, what now?  
  
I've always been one to cut through the bullshit and come right out and say   
what I think, but with Monica, things are different. She makes me feel... like   
a kid again. Not in a bad way, no not at all, but... It's like I don't have a   
care in the world. She makes me appreciate the finer things in life.  
  
It's always been this way, even before Luke's mom up and left us one night. I   
felt closer to Monica than I ever did with my wife, and that almost scares me.   
It's like we have a connection deep down inside that I can't even begin to   
explain. She's always been there for me, especially when Luke died.  
  
If she hadn't been there for me after we found him in that field, I don't know   
what I would have done. I take that back, I know exactly what I would have   
done. My grave would have been lined up right next to my son's. I thank Monica   
with every fiber of my being for keeping me here and keeping me sane.  
  
Monica helped me realize that my life may have been shit, but Luke would want   
me to go on, to find the bastard that did this to him. Maybe with Monica's   
help, just maybe, I can. Someday I know we will. But for now I just need her   
by my side, to keep me sane now that she's brought me back to the living.   
Right now, that's all I need... or is it?  
  
Once again, I am lost...  
  
  
~*~  
  
  
When John left, I knew it was just because he needed time. We had begun   
getting close after Luke died, and I think it was just too soon for him. I   
should have known, and maybe in the back of my mind I did, but the past is the   
past. We must now live in the present and try to move on.  
  
I sometimes wonder if it would still be too soon to tell John how I feel, what   
he means to me. But like I mentioned earlier, it already feels like it may be   
too late. For once in my life I feel completely lost, and I have no clue what   
to do or say. John has a way of doing that to me, no matter what the situation   
may be. I'm still trying to figure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  
  
When I used to look at Mulder and Scully before Mulder left, I saw how happy   
they were together and wished I could have that with John. I could see that   
Mulder was in just as much pain as John, if not more. Still, somehow, he and   
Scully managed to make things work out. If only Mulder hadn't had to leave   
Scully and little William behind, I'm sure things would be almost perfect with   
them.  
  
John and Mulder have alot in common weither they want to admit it or not.   
They're both stubborn, brilliant, handsome men, and both have been deeply   
scarred by dark and painful pasts. They have both lost many people in their   
lives... and they both are so blind to see those around them that care. Mulder   
finally opened his eyes to see, now could it be John's turn?  
  
But do I even have the strength to tell him? I think deep down he may know,   
but if I never tell him, how can he be sure? How can *I* be sure until I can   
say the words myself? I've always called myself strong, but no one is strong   
when it comes to love... Not even those who stare evil in the eyes every day   
could prepare themselves for the sting of love.  
  
Maybe the only way to make it happen is to dive head first. Screw the world,   
screw those who are against us. There is only us, and there is only now. If   
I'm going to do it at all, *now* is the time.   
  
Enough arguing with myself, it's time to jump.  
  
I pick up the phone and dial John's number, fully aware of the tremble that's   
going to be present in my voice. I close my eyes and halfway pray for the   
answering machine. I am greeted by the opposite as John picks up and answers   
my call...  
  
"Hello...?"  
  
~*~  
End Part 1  
~*~ 


	2. Part 2

Time Stands Still (2/?)  
by: Brandy Leigh  
  
  
~*~  
  
"Hello...?"  
  
"John, it's me."  
  
"Monica? What's wrong?"  
  
The alarm and concern in his voice makes me cringe. He probably thinks some   
unearthly tragedy has occurred.  
  
"Nothing... well, nothing serious."  
  
"What is it? Are you okay?"  
  
"Do you think you could come over? Just for a little while..."  
  
"Of course, I'll be right there."  
  
I let out a sigh of relief. Nothing else needs to be said between us, so I   
hang up. I know he'll probably break every speed limit getting here; I just   
hope he doesn't wreck his car.  
  
The last time I called John in the middle of the night and asked him to come   
over I'd just found my birth parents. I'd been searching for them for nearly   
my whole life... I wanted to know why they gave me up, why they didn't want   
me. When I finally found them I didn't know what to do and I was scared. So, I   
called John, and he came.  
  
We were up practically the whole night talking and lying out the pros and cons   
of me calling them. Finally, the cons won out. It had been thirty some odd   
years since they had left me in Texas, I'd made out just fine in Mexico, and   
now I was grown and I was my own person. I didn't need them back in my life...   
I didn't want to have to deal with that.  
  
There are many other times that John was there for me, and vice versa. I don't   
know what I'd do if I ever lost him again. I almost did, and it scared the   
shit out of me. I know that if I do tell him how I feel tonight, I'm going to   
tell him what happened.  
  
For some reason he doesn't remember the events that occurred just two days   
ago, no one does. I'm the only one that remembers being told that my partner   
had been shot in the back and was lying, paralyzed, in a hospital bed. I can   
still see him there in that bed, and I can still recall with a sickening   
clarity as he told me the only way to save him was to pull the plug...  
  
He's probably going to think I'm crazy, but frankly I don't care. I know what   
happened and I know that I never want to let him out of my sight again. I'm   
not going to lose John Doggett now, not after we've come so far...  
  
There's a knock at the door; I have no more time to muse. It's now or never.  
  
~*~  
  
I'm standing in front of her door, not sure what to expect. I'm almost scared   
to think of what might be wrong. Monica's been so touchy the past few days...   
Every since the other day when she just broke down and tears and grabbed me   
into a big hug, it's like she's expecting someone to shoot me down at any   
moment. She won't even let me walk to my car without making sure she's right   
there beside me. I don't think she's ever been more alert.  
  
Yesterday, when we were getting ready to walk down into the parking lot at   
work, a cat scurried across the concrete from under my car. Monica jumped   
nearly five feet, drew her gun, and was about two seconds from blowing the   
poor cat's head off. I reassured her that it wasn't Bin Ladakitty. Atleast she   
laughed.  
  
So now I wait for her to answer... here she comes. The door opens, and I take   
a good look at her. She looks just as she has for the past few days, except   
she seems more unsure. What in God's name happened to her to make her this   
way? Monica has always been a strong, independent person who has always been   
sure of what she was going to do and what she was going to say. This is not my   
Monica.  
  
Whoa, boy... *My* Monica? Now I know I'm goin' nuts...  
  
"Hey John... thanks for coming."  
  
"It's no problem."  
  
She steps aside so that I can walk in, so I do. I shrug off my jacket and hang   
it on the coat rack next to her door. When I turn back to her, she won't look   
at me.  
  
"Alright, what is it, Mon? You know, you've got me really worried. You have   
for the past few days. It's like you haven't been yourself."  
  
"I'm sorry John... it's just-" She looks up at me and stops.  
  
"What? It's just what?"  
  
She says nothing, just walks towards me until we're just inches apart. She   
looks up at me, and peers into my eyes. I'm trapped where I stand by her   
intense gaze...  
  
"Monica?"  
  
"I'm tired of doing this, John. I'm tired of the two of us acting like there's   
nothing between us. God knows how long I've loved you, but I've never had the   
guts to say it. Not until I almost lost you... John, I was so scared. And   
damnit, you don't even remember!"  
  
Her words shock me. She loves me? So long she can't even remember? I almost   
can't get past that sentence to realize what else she's said.  
  
"Almost lost me? What are you talking about?"  
  
"Two days ago, John." She says, accenting every word. "You came to my   
apartment to bring me a polish sausage as a housewarming gift."  
  
"Yeah, I remember that."  
  
"I went into the other room to get plates, and while I was in there AD Skinner   
called me. He told me that you had been shot, and that you were lying in a   
hospital room. I told him how crazy that was, because you were just in the   
other room. But you weren't John. You were gone."  
  
"I think I missed that part," I say, completely shocked.  
  
"Just shut up, John, I need to say this."  
  
"Alright..."  
  
She takes a deep breath and continues. "When I got there, Agent Scully told me   
you... that if you made it... you'd be paralyzed."  
  
I noticed her eyes have begun to well up, and a few tears have managed to find   
their way down her cheek. I reach up and lightly brush them away, but it only   
makes her cry harder.  
  
"You regained consciousness and were able to tell us what was wrong through   
Morris code with a machine designed for paralysis patients. You told me that   
you had seen me die, that my throat had been cut. After talking with you   
further I realized that it really wasn't you, that it was a John from a   
parallel universe. She pauses and checks to make sure I'm still following her.   
The look she gives me almost dares me to say she's crazy.  
  
"Go on," is all I say.  
  
"I told 'you' my theory, and of course you thought I was nuts."  
  
"I would never think-" I stop when she glares at me.  
  
"But... you came to believe me. You said two Doggies can't be in one world...   
that to save you, I had to kill you." She pauses, and wipes at her tears as if   
they were stubborn.  
  
"Of course I refused! I thought the idea was crazy, and that you just wanted   
to end your suffering. But then, you asked me if I believed my own theory...   
You got me thinking, John. After that, I knew what I had to do."  
  
"Oh, Mon..."  
  
"I had to do it, John. It was the only way. But I was so afraid it wouldn't   
work! I... I had to watch you..." She can't finish the sentence. I pull her   
into my arms.  
  
"Shh... it's okay. I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere. Okay?"  
  
She pulls back from me and looks up at me angrily. "No, it's not okay! I   
watched you *die* John! How was I supposed to know it would work? For all I   
know, I could have been the one who killed you!"  
  
"But you didn't! If what you say is true, you saved me! Don't you see that? I   
wouldn't be alive today if you hadn't done what you did!"  
  
I think I've gotten through to her, because suddenly a look of realization   
passes over her face. She looks me right in the eyes, and stares.  
  
~*~  
  
Could I really have saved him...? I must have, because he's standing right in   
front of me. I look up into his eyes, and I carefully study his face. Does he   
even believe what I'm rambling on about? Does it even matter? Does anything   
really matter beyond the fact that he's here right now and he doesn't seem to   
be going anywhere? Nevertheless, I have to ask.  
  
"Do you even believe me, or do you think I'm crazy?"  
  
John looks at me like I've just offended him, then raises his hands to place   
them on my arms. "Monica, listen to me very carefully. I sometimes question   
the things you tell me only because I may have a hard time understanding them,   
but I would *never* think you were crazy. You hear me? Never." He heavily   
accents his last word.  
  
I don't say anything right away, I just nod slowly. I know my eyes are welling   
up again, and I feel completely idiotic. Here I am going on and on about   
something that I know makes me sound like a psycho, and I keep breaking down   
and crying like a baby every five minutes. I cast my eyes down to the floor   
and intently study my new shoes.  
  
"Hey..." John says softly in response to my new tears. He brings his hand up   
to my chin and forces me to look into his eyes again. "Don't do this, huh?" He   
gives me one of his best smiles. "If you're down in the dumps, who'll be there   
to pick me up off my ass when I fall?"  
  
I can't help but let out a slight laugh. John may not be the funniest man   
alive, but he always knows what to say to make me feel better when I'm feeling   
the worst. I smile at him. I smile to let him know that I'm okay, and I smile   
to let him know that I know he believes me and trusts in what I say even if he   
doesn't think it's right.  
  
I love this man, I honestly do.  
  
I open my mouth to tell him how I feel, and this time I'm going to be straight   
forward. I may have already said I loved him, but it was followed by the   
rantings of a madwoman. John needs to know what I truly feel. He needs to know   
that I am completely and madly in love with him...  
  
Suddenly, before I can speak, his mouth descends on mine. I have no choice but   
to respond... he's taken me completely by surprise. Butterflies arise in my   
stomach and I melt into his arms. This has to be what it feels like to be in   
the presence of angels...  
  
I am completely... and madly... in love...  
  
~*~  
End Part 2  
~*~ 


	3. Part 3

Time Stands Still (3/3)  
by: Brandy Leigh  
  
  
~*~  
  
It's been so long since I've held a woman like this and kissed  
her with this much love. I've known for quite some time that I  
was in love with Monica, but saying it or acting on it was  
somehow out of the question. I guess I was just waiting for the  
right moment to make my move, and I guess this moment seemed to  
be the perfect one.  
  
I don't know what made me so bold as to kiss her, but I did. I  
know she was getting ready to tell me something, probably  
something very important, but I couldn't help it. I'd been  
watching her lips since the moment she began telling me her  
story. I listened to her words which filled me with love as well  
as saddened me. Once she was done I knew what I had to do.  
  
Now that I'm kissing her I know I'll never be able to go back. No  
matter what else happens tonight I know I won't be able to forget  
the words she said or what she means to me. I don't plan on  
rushing into anything tonight, but it the inevitable were to  
happen, I wouldn't mind at all. I love this woman with all my  
soul, and I plan on giving her my heart, body, and my mind.  
  
I slowly deepen the kiss and slide my hands to her waist. She  
responds my locking her arms around my neck and pulling me  
closer. I can't help but wonder what force of God has kept me  
from doing this for so long. I also can't help but wonder what in  
God's name ever propelled me to leave this woman so many years  
ago. I must have been crazy... but never again. I will never  
again leave the arms of the one I love.  
  
It takes a few moments for Monica to finally pull away and look  
up at me. I study her face for a moment to try and figure out  
exactly what she's thinking. I can tell she's happy about what  
just happened, but I can also tell that she's not too sure that  
all of this is real. I'm guessing that she's doing her best right  
now to frame this moment in her mind, so that whenever she may  
get the urge she can just call it up and remember it all exactly  
as it happened. That's one of the things I love about her.  
  
I smile at her lightly and brush a stray strand of hair from her  
face. We're still very close and I can feel the heat radiating  
off of her body. It takes all of my will power not to pull her to  
me roughly and kiss her again. I know there's still something she  
needs to say, and I don't want to keep her from saying it.  
Whatever it is, I know it's important.  
  
I place my hand back on her waist and look down at her beautiful  
face. Softly, I speak.  
  
"Now, what is it you wanted to say?"  
  
She laughs lightly at my ability to jump so quickly back into  
conversation after my physical outburst. It takes her a moment,  
but she finally gives me the answer I was secretly hoping for.  
  
"I just wanted to say... that I love you. I know I said it before  
I went off on my tantrum, but I needed to say it again. I needed  
to let you know for sure that I meant it and that I don't just  
mean I 'care for you'. I'm in love with you John, and I have been  
for a long time. Even back before Luke died... I guess I just  
didn't want to admit it, or either it wasn't the right time. I  
don't know, and frankly I don't care. All I know is that I can  
accept it now, and I need to know, John. I need to know if you  
love me too."  
  
"God, Monica... How could you even doubt it? How could you think  
for even a second that I'm not in love with you? I've tried so  
many times to tell you but it's just never come out right. I  
guess I just never had the balls. But hearing you say the words  
to me makes all that time worth while. All the tears and fears and  
angry words and loving glances... they were all worth this very  
moment. Yes, I love you Monica. I knew from the moment you took  
me into your arms in that field that I could never stop loving  
you. Not even for a *second*."  
  
And now I'm greeted with yet more tears... but this time it  
doesn't hurt me to see them, because I know that she's not crying  
out of pain or suffering or fear, but out of love. I know that  
this is just the beginning of a very long and perfect  
relationship. I can see it in her eyes, the love that will never  
die, and I know that love is reflected in my own.  
  
I'm doing my best to do what I know Monica is doing. I'm trying  
my hardest to make time stand still, so this moment will never be  
lost. I want to live in this point in time for the rest of my  
life. I want to replay it over and over again so I can feel the  
joy of finding out for the first time how much I mean to her  
every day. I want to always be able to remember the way she felt  
in my arms, and how it felt to kiss her. The way her lips moved  
against mine... the way her tongue gently stroked mine...  
  
For just this point in time, there is no world. There is no hate  
or violence or fear, only us. Only this.   
  
For once, I am free...  
  
~*~  
  
~*~Two weeks later~*~  
  
There's nothing much more to do now... I've told John how I feel,  
and he's told me how he feels. The only thing left to do, is  
live. Live... and love. With John by my side, I know we can do  
anything. We've been denied this for so long, but no more. I have  
a feeling that our work on the X-Files will improve as a result  
of this move. That is, as long as "mother superior" doesn't find  
out. I know that if Kersh were to discover the way things are  
going between us, he'd have the X-Files shut down so fast we'd  
break our necks trying to pick up the pieces. But sometimes, life  
is worth the risk.  
  
These past two weeks have been the most incredible that I've ever  
known. I hope that these next few months, even years, will be  
just as fruitful. I enjoy every moment I spend with John... I  
don't think I've ever been this happy. If he could do this much  
to me within two weeks, I can't help but wonder where we'll be in  
another five or six years. All I know is that the future looks  
very bright, and I'm more than happy to step into the light.  
  
I said once before than no one can prepare themselves for the  
sting of love, which is very true... to an extent. Your heart  
burns with the fear that something may happen to the one you  
love, that the minutes you are spending with them might very well  
be their last. The last time you made love may very well be the  
last time. Then, you begin to realize that if you live your life  
in that fear, it will start to eat you alive. It will tear at  
your soul until it has worried it raw. The only way to escape  
this is to realize that yes, your lover might die at any moment,  
but so may you. You can't live your life wondering when that  
moment may be. You have to relish in what you have, and enjoy it  
while you can. Only then will you be able to truly understand the  
love that you hold so dear... the love that burns you to the  
core...  
  
I hope that I can keep this in mind as John and I take the next  
step in our relationship. We've come so far to let it all just  
slip away. As I said, there's only one thing left to do...  
  
I slowly close my eyes, and step into the light...  
  
~*~  
FIN!  
~*~  
Authors notes: As I said earlier, I hope everyone here at fanfiction.net enjoys this as much as everyone else seems to. I surely enjoyed writing it! If I get enough good feedback here, I'll continue working on the prequel for this story (which delves into the back history of John and Monica), and the sequel (which takes an exclusive look into the death of Luke Doggett). Hopefully I'll have both written soon and out to those of you who are anxiously waiting and constantly nagging! *grin* Happy fanfic reading! 


End file.
